BACHELORELLA: Ben Higgins Is a Softboy

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Something rare happened recently on The Bachelor: a contestant’s family called out the star of the franchise, Ben Higgins, for being a dick. Jojo’s two obnoxious brothers were the villains of the “hometowns” episode, accusing Ben of having her “brainwashed”—quite hypocritically, as it turns out. Jojo Bros #1 and #2 expressed doubt about his motives and concern that their sister’s heart would be broken by the man currently dating three other women. Shitting on the star of the franchise as he tries to prove his genuine feelings for your sister is widely considered a rude move on The Bachelor, but in light of Ben’s double “I love you” confession on the most recent episode, I’m surprised no one is discussing the obvious: that Jojo’s brothers were right. Ben Higgins is an asshole.

To be more specific, Ben Higgins is a softboy. Continue reading

Bachelorella: We Need To Retire The Las Vegas Herpes Joke

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I haven’t been writing Bachelorella recaps this season of The Bachelor because I am busy and tired and nothing interesting has happened. And then tonight The Bachelor put Ben H.’s harem of girlfriends on a jet (or, possibly, on a passive aggressive party bus) and dragged them to Las Vegas. And I cringed, because I knew what was coming: the herpes jokes. Continue reading

Bachelorella: Why I Should Definitely Be On The Bachelor

Ben H. will you accept this rose please I love you.

Ben H. will you accept this rose please I love you.

So Kaitlyn did the very stupid thing and eliminated the only sane, respectable guy left on her season of The Bachelorette. Bye bye, beautiful Ben H., who made an impression on us all when he made an awkward sex education lesson somehow romantic. You were always a little too smart for Kaitlyn, lovely Ben, who found herself drawn like a moth to the expensively-cologned flame that was Nick and Shawn’s jealous “feud” over her affections. We’ll see you soon, sweet dove. With you goes my remaining investment in this season of The Bachelorette. Continue reading

Bachelorella update: Bachelor Nation turns on itself, calls out its sexism

the-bachelorette-logoI went to bed angry last night, and apparently I wasn’t the only one judging by the mess that was my Twitter feed this morning. Bachelor Nation seems in agreement that the decision to pit Kaitlyn and Britt against each other in the first episode of the upcoming season of The Bachelorette is tacky, shitty, and sexist. Some of the strongest voices of disapproval are Bachelor and Bachelorette alumni themselves. Here are some of my favorite responses from the people who know the process best:

Desiree Siegfried, who made it to Sean’s finale four before getting sent home and going on to become the Bachelorette herself:

Sharleen Joynt, professional opera singer and my personal diplomatic princess queen (oh yeah, and she was on Juan Pablo’s season):

Continue reading

Bachelorella Finale Recap: Why having two Bachelorettes is BULLSHIT

From The Bachelorette Twitter:

This pixelated as hell image from @TheBachelorette, with the caption: “It’s a #TheBachelorette first! Who will the guys choose: #TeamBritt or #TeamKaitlyn?”

I’m going to try to recap the actual finale of The Bachelor before I descend into my rage spiral about the decision to have two Bachelorettes. Thankfully I wrote half of my recap during “After The Final Rose” before the big announcement, back when I had faith in society and was not shuddering with rage.

So The Bachelor ended without much drama, all things considered. Chris chose Whitney, she of the baby voice and refreshing maturity. Whitney could say what Becca couldn’t: that she was in love with Chris beyond any doubt, and she wanted to move to Iowa. While Becca admitted with far too much intelligence for this reality show that she just wasn’t where she was supposed to be in the process, stuck in the weird pre-love limbo that comes from only dating someone for two months, Whitney was like let’s do this, bro.

Continue reading

Bachelorella Recap Week 9: Lady-on-lady crime

Ashley I. brought the facial expressions this week.

Raise your hand if you have ever felt personally victimized by Ashley I’s eyebrows.

Last night was the penultimate episode of The Bachelor: the Women Tell All, also known as “let’s put the rejects in a room with Chris and a studio audience and see what happens.” Traditionally there is a lot of crying, demands of closure, and some awkward confrontations. Host Chris Harrison yucks it up with the ladies and nods sympathetically as they snivel about their lost chance at love. And then: tune in next week for the thrilling conclusion of the most dramatic season of The Bachelor yet!

But this season’s Women Tell All was….. Jesus Christ, what a shit show. Continue reading

Bachelorella Recap Week 8: Sex, love, and the issue of choice

Whitney is THIRSTY. Everyone is so ready to bone.

Whitney is THIRSTY. Everyone is so ready to bone.

This week was the fantasy suite episode of The Bachelor. It was pretty boring. This was the most boring episode we’ve had in a while.

For the uninformed, here’s the deal with the fantasy suite: Chris and his lady have the option to stay in a hotel room ~without any cameras~ for an entire night. Yes, this is a sex thing. There’s usually an understanding that the bachelor or bachelorette will bang their three remaining suitors, three nights in a row, and it’s admittedly gross and sounds exhausting. But this is also a holy fuck these people have never been alone together thing. Fantasy suites are the only opportunity they have to be behind closed doors without producers, cameramen, and us live-tweeting their interactions before a marriage proposal. It’s a big deal.

In the past the fantasy suite episode sees some serious shit go down because without the cameras around, people get real. In Juan Pablo’s season, future Bachelorette Andi basically stormed off the show because of how he behaved alone (a lot of talking about himself, name dropping, and probably dubious sexual behavior). It’s pretty common for people to have serious conversations now that they have an extended period of time to actually talk with their partner. This week, Chris and Becca walked out feeling super conflicted about whether or not they have an actual future together, and Chris reportedly asked her if their feelings were just a result of being on a television show (good question, Chris!). Continue reading

Bachelorella Recap Week 7: Deal breakers (Iowa vs. Playboy)

Chris and Jade watch a football game because that's the only thing to do in Iowa.

Chris and Jade watch a football game because that’s the only thing to do in Iowa.

The Bachelor franchise graced us with five hours of television this week, thanks to back-to-back episodes on Sunday and Monday nights. This is far too much Bachelor for me to process. In a nutshell: Britt continued to be super fake, Carly ratted her out to Chris, and when provoked Britt self-destructed in an “I need to be your first priority if we’re dating” hissy fit that would have been appropriate in real life but definitely was not on this television show—let alone in front of two of Chris’s other girlfriends. And then there was this whole other weirdness with Becca and her never having loved anyone before and how she’s not into physical intimacy, which would be interesting if it were about asexuality but isn’t because, again, this is The Bachelor. And then Kaitlyn made Chris rap. It was uncomfortable.

But. BUT. Two things worth talking about went down in this crazy marathon of rose-giving and back-stabbing. It turns out Chris and Jade both have dirty little secrets: Iowa sucks, and Jade revealed her “nude modeling” past, aka posing for Playboy. Continue reading

Bachelorella Recap Week 6: What makes a woman perfect (for Chris)?

Ashley vs. Kelsey.

Duck and cover, folks, it’s the two-on-one.

“Sorry I’m not from Pleasantville. I’m from fricken 2014. You and I both have our masters, and I have it from a good place… if you don’t think I’m intelligent enough to see through you, you’re friggen hilarious.” – Ashley I.

It was the catfight heard around the world. This season’s dreaded two-on-one date (two women enter, one woman survives) pinned house drama queens Virgin KardAshleyian and Tragic Widow Kelsey against each other in the scenic Badlands. There were insults. Both women cried. Chris was exasperated. Finally, in a surprising move of intelligence and badassery, the milquetoast Bachelor sent both women home. Or, more accurately, he got into the helicopter alone and left Ashley and Kelsey to find their own way back to civilization (one can only hope).

It was spectacular television. Watching the two least likable women in the house take turns throwing each other under the bus was schadenfreude in the truest sense. Should I be ashamed about enjoying self-involved women tearing each other down on national television? Probably. Am I ashamed? Nah. You can watch the action here. Continue reading

Bachelorella Recap Week 5: Kelsey & the 4th wall (whose TV show is this?)

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Hilarious graphic courtesy of the official Bachelor twitter account.

So tonight I was live-tweeting the new episode of The Bachelor as always, minding my own business, when one of the women said something smart. Wow, I thought to myself. What a great remark! Why is the name of this woman escaping me? I Googled a few of the names to see if I could match a name to a face, when I… spoiled myself. I know who wins this season of The Bachelor according to Reality Steve, via Google.

Yeah. Fuck my life, right? Thanks for that, Google.

I was crushed at first—the finale is so much more fun when you honestly don’t know whom the bachelor or bachelorette is going to pick. I’ll never forget screaming bloody murder when Clare rejected lothario asswipe Juan Pablo’s pity hug, or when Andi jilted frontrunner Nick for meathead Josh. I have never once known how a season would end, and my theories have always been disproven. And I love that about this franchise, how it is edited to leave you grasping at straws, and yet how clear things look in retrospect once you know for sure who the leading man or woman has been falling in love with all along. It is shocking, exhilarating experience. By the final two contestants, you really do care. You are invested in their happiness, even if the couple’s odds of lasting are hilariously low. Continue reading